By Valerie Mayhew
Photo: Bartosz Kosowski
I got my first gray hair when I was nineteen. It was a genetic thing from my father, and everyone thought it was sorta funny. But I was devastated. I plucked it out. Of course, it grew back. And then a few more grays grew in since growing is pretty much hair’s job. That’s when I rushed to the CVS and bought my first box of dye because I had a terrible disease no one tells you about: Perfectionism.
Perhaps you, too, have this dreadful condition. Do you consider a B a near-failing grade? Do you care what strangers think about you on Instagram? Are you disappointed in yourself for not having been some cancer-curing or Mozart-playing ten-year-old prodigy? Do you still have nightmares about that embarrassing thing you accidentally said last year? And how can you not have a ten-year plan when you’re already a sophomore?
Did you read last semester’s teacher evaluations and obsess about – not the many students who said you were fantastic – but that one student who said you were mean? Oh wait, maybe that’s just me. Never mind.
The thing is, if you are reading this, you are human. And humans make mistakes sometimes. No, don’t hyperventilate. It’s true. You can’t be perfect (whatever that looks like) all the time. You shouldn’t want to be.
This may be shocking to you, but one day no one will care about your GPA. And you won’t care that no one else cares, either. Because you won’t be drowning in other people’s opinions and judgments. I want you to realize that being kind to a sad friend, savoring a spring strawberry, or lying on the grass in the sun reading a romance novel are important, real moments of life. That’s easy to forget when you’re chasing an impossible ideal of perfection. I mean, if you got straight As last semester, do you wonder if maybe you should take more credits next semester? Do you stress that maybe you aren’t doing your absolute best? If you pushed yourself, could you finish your undergrad degree in three years and then start grad school early and – Stop. Just stop right there. There’s more to life than school.
Now, I’m not saying to blow off classes. You’re in college; classes are sort of the whole point. What I am saying is that classes shouldn’t be the only thing in your life. You as a person and as a scholar will suffer if the entire focus of your being is getting straight As.
Here’s a secret: just showing up to your classes is the first step to freedom. Make that your goal. Show up every single time. Then…Just. Be. There. Put away your phone so it’s totally out of sight. Stop thinking about anything beyond what’s happening in that room. Focus, and hear what others are saying. Don’t work so hard all the time. Relax and absorb. Take deep breaths. Release your shoulders. Try it. Go into your next class and actively listen. Let someone else’s expertise fill you up. Think of it as an internal beauty tip of self-care. Pretend you saw a video about it on TikTok.
And if you set something as simple as showing up as your goal, the homework will be easier because you now know it doesn’t have to be perfect. I want you to go to every class and do every single piece of homework because learning is a fantastic, enriching thing that feels good. Don’t do it to please someone else. Don’t make it a burden. Do it because you’re a curious person and you want to know things.
When we are in the throes of Perfectionism, it’s tempting to skip that class where you didn’t do the reading, or you don’t feel quite prepared, and is there a quiz? Forget it! You’ll work doubly hard and come in next week with everything perfect, right? Except you won’t. Because once you fall behind even a little bit, Perfectionism causes you to become frantic. You’ll feel the need to work harder. And while you are busy focusing on catching up in one class maybe you don’t notice you are busy falling behind in another. And when was the last time you ate? (French fries don’t count.) The best way to stop that crazy-making cycle is to never start it. So, show up, just as you are.
And it occurs to me that maybe no one has ever told you this, but you’re fine. You’re more than fine, you’re great just as you are just where you are. Not because I said so, but because it is the truth. You don’t have to score 100% on everything. Frankly, you don’t have to score 100% on anything. Your worth isn’t decided by outside achievements or random numerical objectives. You don’t need other people to tell you how great you are. Remember, validation is for parking tickets.
And a B really is a good grade.
